The View From My Shoes

You have brains in your head. You have feet in your shoes. You can steer yourself in any direction you choose. You're on your own, and you know what you know. And you are the guy who'll decide where to go. -Dr. Suess

Author Archives: anneleego


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Faith…Hope…Love…Joy…Brothers:)

Life. It rolls along allowing you to think that you have it all figured out.  

Then…

CURVE BALL. 

We have all had them.  Some we see coming straight for us. Many…dare I say, most… we don’t.  But anticipation doesn’t soften the blow.  It doesn’t lessen the wound.  And how do you TRULY anticipate a curve ball being thrown at you anyway?  Isn’t surprise the entire point of the ball curving when it looks like it’s going to be smooth sailing…right down the middle.  Home run.  Game. Over.

But…

Life happens.  That part of life that is real and ugly and devastating and beautiful and powerful, somehow all at the same time.  That part of life that leaves you wondering how in the world you will ever go on, and equally how you’ve been able to survive so long without being beamed with an inside pitch before this moment.  Life was so “easy.”  Life as you knew it anyway.  But this pain, while unexpected, surely wont last forever.  Will it?  Surely there will be a day when things are “normal” again, and you regain your ability to breathe naturally. Surely.

However…

Life isn’t easy.  Life isn’t fair. And life CERTAINLY does NOT care if you like the “pitches” it throws at you. Life will beat you down. Take away your dignity. Destroy your hope. Extinguish your joy. Trample your spirit.  Dilute your love. Pillage your happiness. Life can quickly abduct everything about you that makes you…well…YOU. Life will permeate your heart and mind, and fill them with thoughts and feelings you wish weren’t even possible…much less yours.  Life will beat you down…if YOU let it.

So…

Don’t let it.  Sure, we all feel sorry for ourselves from time to time, and sometimes it certainly feels justified. But, and this isn’t something any of us likes to hear, it is eternally true that someone else always has it worse than we do.  Even when we don’t want to admit it.  Even when it feels like our world is caving in.  Even when we WANT to be miserable, because it’s so much less painful than accepting the truth.  We are not the most desperate person in the world.  We don’t own the patent on misery.  When don’t hold the record for worst heartache in history. None of us. Not me.  Not you.

Remember…

There are children (and adults) literally starving to death in this world.  I know that is an example used so often of how things “could be worse.”  An example we often choose to overlook, or easily do not relate to, so we ignore…in spite of our loving hearts and best intentions…willfully.  The unimaginable tragedies the furor of this world has rained down on so many. So many of God’s people. So many of the lost.  So many hearts and lives changed and destroyed by pain and suffering. We easily forget to grieve for them, or possibly, in our haste and distraction, choose not to think about them a regular basis…there are so many. I don’t  need to name the litany of problems this world has.  The overwhelming grievances that so many could share. We are all flawed and experience pain.  Some more than others.  But this life is hard. And beautiful. And blessed.

How…

JESUS. Jesus. Our Lord and Savior. Jesus.  Jesus came. He lived. He died. He rose. But He suffered.  He suffered for US. For you. For me. For those who have been, and those yet to be.  He paid the price for us. He died so that we can live.  Did you hear me?!?

HE DIED SO THAT WE CAN LIVE!  

1 Corinthians 15:55-57                                                                                                            55 “Where, O death, is your victory?    Where, O death, is your sting?”    56 The sting of death is sin, and the power of sin is the law. 57 But thanks be to God! He gives us the victory through our Lord Jesus Christ.

Christ lived, and died, and rose, and LIVES, so that we can live FOR Him, and one day live WITH Him.  Live with Him.

Romans 8:18  For I consider that the sufferings of this present time are not worth comparing with the glory that is to be revealed to us.

And Now…

JOY!! HOPE!! PEACE!! LIFE…ETERNAL LIFE!! LOVE…ETERNAL and UNFAILING LOVE!

Lamentations 3:22-23                                                                                                                           22 The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases; His mercies never come to an end;23 they are new every morning; great is Your faithfulness.

 

To My Sweet, Dedicated, Loyal Friends and Prayer Warriors…

I have been wanting to write for awhile.  I thought I wanted to write about what it must be like (I have an idea, but can only speak from the outside looking in) to be the big brother, or any sibling of a child with special needs.  A child who needs extra attention.  Extra patience.  Extra time. Extra room to make mistakes.  Leeway you weren’t given. Extra chances you weren’t allowed. Understanding you weren’t afforded. Attention you didn’t receive. Especially if you are a big brother who was showered with more love than one would ever imagine. A child who never had to want for kisses or hugs, or a moment of his mother’s time. A boy who was solely adored and cared for without having to spare a drop for his little brother. Much less a bucket full.  Yes, yes.  I know. I hear you rolling your eyes already;) That’s what EVERY older sibling goes through.  Agreed.  They have to learn to share the wealth.  The love. The toys. The parents. The attention.  I hear ya!

But it’s been a little different for Aidan.  He couldn’t wait to be a big brother.  He couldn’t wait to have a playmate.  He couldn’t wait to meet Brody.  He didn’t know any differently. He still doesn’t, frankly. But he has been put on the back burner more than once. More than twice. More times than I can count. From the day we came home we knew that Brody was going to need more attention.  We knew that he would have more difficult needs.  We left Aidan with family, 3 months into Brody’s life, to spend a few weeks in the hospital and only saw my sweet boy that I had never gone a day without seeing, twice.  He was five. To keep it short (well..short-ish), I will simply say that he is spoiled and loved, and he doesn’t want for anything…except a little more understanding sometimes. To be put first occasionally. For things to go HIS way, not what’s best for little brother.  And he misses being important. At least, feeling important. We love him more than ever, but we expect a lot from him, because Brody is so much work, and needs so much of our time. We love them both, but by default, Brody gets the most attention, because he needs it more.

So, I thought I was going to write about how it must feel to be Aidan.  I have been planning it and running it in my head for weeks.  I had the video already made.  And then I started typing.  I started typing, and I couldn’t think about anything but the joy my son has when he is playing with his little brother.  The love he shows Brody when Brody is being impatient and screams at him. The happiness he has when playing with Brody, even though he wants Brody to be a “normal” almost 4 year old and be able to play with him the way most 4 year olds do, but Brody can’t.  The kind and hopeful spirit he shows when he talks about how special his brother is, and how much he loves him.  The hope he shares that his brother will be and do anything and everything that he could ever dream.

I started typing.  I started typing, and I realized that what I really wanted to write about is what can happen when you see the world through the pure heart of an innocent child.  A heart that life hasn’t destroyed, or beaten down.  A heart that still wants to love.  A heart that still wants to hope.  A heart that is filled with joy.

Yes, the world has beaten all of us down.  We have all been hit by multiple curve balls…bruised…scarred…damaged…destroyed. But there is joy.  There is hope.  There is love. There is grace and mercy.  There is Jesus.

 

I have been wanting to make this video for weeks.  I literally ran out of music WAY before I ran out of pictures.  I have 3 times the pictures of these boys than I used here. They love each other.  They need each other.  They bring each other joy.  Thank You, God, for these boys.  Thank You for Your son, Jesus.  Thank you for His sacrifice.  Thank you for Your Holy Spirit who brings us comfort and peace.  Thank you for salvation.  Thank you for eternity.  Thank you for this life, and the promise of hope for the future that we see in the love we have for our children. Thank you, Lord.  Thank you for your Son.  And thank you for mine.

If you have made it this far in this post, please watch my video of my precious boys! Also, I admire your endurance and patience to indulge in my ramblings to this point.  If you can’t watch the whole video, at least start at 4 minutes or so, and finish from there;) 

I leave you with this…every word of Romans 8.

Romans 8

Life Through the Spirit

8 Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus, 2 because through Christ Jesus the law of the Spirit who gives lifehas set you[a] free from the law of sin and death. 3 For what the law was powerless to do because it was weakened by the flesh,[b] God did by sending his own Son in the likeness of sinful flesh to be a sin offering.[c]And so he condemned sin in the flesh, 4 in order that the righteous requirement of the law might be fully met in us, who do not live according to the flesh but according to the Spirit.

5 Those who live according to the flesh have their minds set on what the flesh desires; but those who live in accordance with the Spirit have their minds set on what the Spirit desires. 6 The mind governed by the flesh is death, but the mind governed by the Spirit is life and peace. 7 The mind governed by the flesh is hostile to God; it does not submit to God’s law, nor can it do so. 8 Those who are in the realm of the flesh cannot please God.

9 You, however, are not in the realm of the flesh but are in the realm of the Spirit, if indeed the Spirit of God lives in you. And if anyone does not have the Spirit of Christ, they do not belong to Christ. 10 But if Christ is in you, then even though your body is subject to death because of sin, the Spirit gives life[d] because of righteousness. 11 And if the Spirit of him who raised Jesus from the dead is living in you, he who raised Christ from the dead will also give life to your mortal bodies because of[e] his Spirit who lives in you.

12 Therefore, brothers and sisters, we have an obligation—but it is not to the flesh, to live according to it. 13 For if you live according to the flesh, you will die; but if by the Spirit you put to death the misdeeds of the body, you will live.

14 For those who are led by the Spirit of God are the children of God.15 The Spirit you received does not make you slaves, so that you live in fear again; rather, the Spirit you received brought about your adoption to sonship.[f] And by him we cry, “Abba,[g] Father.” 16 The Spirit himself testifies with our spirit that we are God’s children. 17 Now if we are children, then we are heirs—heirs of God and co-heirs with Christ, if indeed we share in his sufferings in order that we may also share in his glory.

Present Suffering and Future Glory

18 I consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us. 19 For the creation waits in eager expectation for the children of God to be revealed. 20 For the creation was subjected to frustration, not by its own choice, but by the will of the one who subjected it, in hope 21 that[h] the creation itself will be liberated from its bondage to decay and brought into the freedom and glory of the children of God.

22 We know that the whole creation has been groaning as in the pains of childbirth right up to the present time. 23 Not only so, but we ourselves, who have the firstfruits of the Spirit, groan inwardly as we wait eagerlyfor our adoption to sonship, the redemption of our bodies. 24 For in this hope we were saved. But hope that is seen is no hope at all. Who hopes for what they already have? 25 But if we hope for what we do not yet have, we wait for it patiently.

26 In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for usthrough wordless groans. 27 And he who searches our hearts knows the mind of the Spirit, because the Spirit intercedes for God’s people in accordance with the will of God.

28 And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who[i] have been called according to his purpose. 29 For those God foreknew he also predestined to be conformed to the image of his Son, that he might be the firstborn among many brothers and sisters.30 And those he predestined, he also called; those he called, he also justified; those he justified, he also glorified.

More Than Conquerors

31 What, then, shall we say in response to these things? If God is for us,who can be against us? 32 He who did not spare his own Son, but gave him up for us all—how will he not also, along with him, graciously give us all things? 33 Who will bring any charge against those whom God has chosen? It is God who justifies. 34 Who then is the one who condemns?No one. Christ Jesus who died—more than that, who was raised to life—is at the right hand of God and is also interceding for us. 35 Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall trouble or hardship or persecution or famine or nakedness or danger or sword? 36 As it is written:

“For your sake we face death all day long;
    we are considered as sheep to be slaughtered.”[j]

37 No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. 38 For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons,[k] neither the present nor the future, nor any powers,39 neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.


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Praying won’t make you “skinny”…

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So much better from where I started at a 15 minute mile! And people keep telling me they “can’t” lose weight and don’t “have time” to exercise. Hey, neither do I! And this is not judgement, because I spent the last 7 years of my life not taking care of myself. Make the time. 15-30 minutes a day, and move MORE throughout the day. No supplements, no gimmicks, no weight loss fads, and no weight loss company needed (Although if you use them with healthy eating and exercise, you will certainly get no criticism from me). Say no to the sweets, overeating, and fattening foods every other time to start, and gradually work your way to healthy! Your body, your mind, and your FAMILY will be so glad that you did! AND…I will be here CHEERING YOU ON:)

My “journey” has been like this:

August 18, 2014: 197 lbs (size 20)
*started eating a well balanced
healthy diet and gave up sweets and fattening foods completely

October 2014: 185lbs
*added exercise by just moving more during the day…not formal exercise

November 2014: 178lbs
*started walking 3 times per week; lucky to get a 15 minute mile and walk 4 laps (a mile) without passing out!

December 2014: 167 lbs
*started jogging SLOWLY, but surely; began adding a few sweets and sugars back to diet as treats

January 2015: 156 lbs
*continued healthy diet with occasional treats (Wednesday night McDonalds dipped cones with my Aidan;) tracking steps on Garmin, and averaging 16,000-20,000 per day (depending on my exercise)

February 2015: 148 lbs
*hit a plateau for a few weeks; talked with the most in shape person I know, Will, and he recommend I add some sprint to my “runs”; I also added more intentional protein to my diet, and started eating only “real” food; no boxes, no microwave meals, no preservatives

End of March 2015: 138 lbs
*jogging more than walking now, eating out occasionally and still have the occasional treat throughout the week;)

April 2015: 132 lbs
*stuck again! Maybe this is where my body wants to be…but I started toning exercises consistently (key word right there!) but I got busy and didn’t walk/jog for 4 weeks!

May 17, 2015: 127 lbs (size 6)
I did it!!! I lost 70 pounds, and 7 pant sizes in 9 months! And then today, I ran a 9:07 pace on my first mile. It’s not fancy,and I want to get where I can keep that pace for all 3 miles in a day, but it’s a start.

I am not saying any of this as a “hey look at me” in any way, and none of it is really all that impressive anyway, but people keep asking me how I have done it. The truth is, I’m not even really that proud of myself. I should have never been where I was in August to begin with. But life gave me more than I knew how to handle and there I was…obese, tired, frustrated, having many medical issues, and frankly, unhappy. My brother Will never once made me feel ashamed, and always encouraged me. He inspired me. So I prayed for God to give me a desire to lose weight and get healthy. His answer to me was so very clear I almost heard it aloud:

Anne dear,
I have already given you every reason you need to get healthy. I love you no matter what, but I am not going to make you skinny, even though that is what you are really praying for. (God knows our heart you see…) You have everything you need in your life to develop a desire to be healthy. Have I not already given you so much? Open your eyes precious child…see what I have laid out in front of you already. I want you to focus on the blessings and quit blaming the challenges and the hardships every time you need an excuse for not caring for yourself. I love you unconditionally, but you must also love yourself, and love and trust ME enough to make the change in yourself. I will walk with you, I will listen to you, I will forgive and love you, but YOU have to quit making excuses and make it happen.

Remember that I gave you food to feed your body, but you only need Me to feed your soul…to ease your heartache…to help you hold it all together when you just want to cry and give up…to comfort you through the toils of this life. Let Me be the nourishment for your soul and the respite for your worries. I love you no matter what. Remember? I sent my Son to save you. That is how much I love you. Trust Me. You can do this. Honor me through it.

I know it sounds so silly. And I know that probably isn’t even how God talks. I honestly often wonder if He palms His forehead and shakes His head in disbelief when He hears my prayers. The point is, God didn’t make me skinny. He knew that was what I wanted, for it to just “happen”, but that isn’t the way it works, nor should it. He reminded me that He has already given me so much more than that, and taking care of the body He gave me, should be a desire that I have as a result of honoring all of the blessings I have already and continue to receive.  I spend a lot of the time I am exercising talking to God. It has become a time of worship, and a time of prayer in my life. I think that is one of the reasons it has also become such an important part of my days. God knew I needed this, and he answered my prayer the way I needed it answered.

So, my challenge to those of you looking for a way to lose weight, is: find a reason to get healthy. This doesn’t mean skinny. I am NOT, nor will I ever be skinny. But I am getting healthy. Obesity is NEVER healthy, no matter how we try to explain it to ourselves. (Again, NOT judgement…I spent MANY years there!) Everyone can do something, and it won’t always be the same as what someone else does for their health.  We owe our families, our spouses and children, our co-workers, and our God, better than neglecting our health though. I am not saying that being overweight means we aren’t honoring God in our lives, or that we don’t love Him enough. I am saying that there is no reason to stay unhealthy (health within our control) when there are things that we can do to change that part of our lives. I always made it an either/or thing. Well, I might be overweight, but look at all that I do here, and everything I take care of there. Nope. That doesn’t cut it. Take care of yourself, too! It makes all of the other things you have to take care of, that much more productive, and enjoyable!

I want to be held accountable. I need to be reminded that this is an important part of my life. It is okay to take care of me. In fact, it is imperative. It isn’t selfish to take a little bit of time to make sure you are a priority to yourself. (I do mean LITTLE bit of time, because if you’re like me, that is all that there is!) If you need me, I am here. If you want me to jog with you, walk with you, eat with you, talk with you…call me! I would love to! I am certainly no example of how to lose weight, nor have I done anything special. But I did it…am doing it, and you can, too! You are important to me…to God…and there is no time like today to start making your health important to you!

Thank you all so much for the encouragement you have given me along the way. It seriously means a lot when someone reminds you that they love you. I have sucked so much prayer and compassion out of so many of you the past few years! I know you are exhausted with me, but please don’t stop!  I am still a work in progress! I want to encourage you the way you have encouraged me! Please let me know what you need from me, and it’s done! (Unless it is a lot of money…I only have a small amount of that, but if you need it, you can have it)

My love, and I wish you… GOOD HEALTH!


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Things to say…

Long days, with what feels like even longer nights…but so worth it. One day he won’t constantly cry and whimper for the things he needs, or scream and cry all evening, because no one is understanding what he is trying to communicate. One day he won’t be constantly frustrated and even often angry and hard to console, because he will have the words, even just one or two, to communicate what he needs. One day, our short evenings together will be filled with his precious little voice, and not his tears of frustration. It will come. I don’t know when. Maybe soon, maybe not, but when it does it will be a good day…I love every exhausting, heart-breaking, or wonderful, beautiful moment with him. But I want that day to come for him soon, when we can communicate with him. Imagine trying with all your might to communicate and even the “words” you know don’t come out right. All of the kids around you, many younger than you, have 50-100 or even more words and phrases, and your mouth/brain just can’t do it, but you’re trying so hard and it feels like no one is listening or hearing you. It isn’t that they can’t understand your “baby talk”, it’s that your mouth literally doesn’t form the words, and your voice doesn’t say what you want it to say. You can tell me, “he will get it” , “it will come” ,
“he’s okay…quit worrying”, “lots of kids talk late”, but I wonder, have you lived weeks at a time watching your child become increasingly frustrated to the point of fits because he forgot how to motion or make a sound that correlates to “bite” or “drink” at 2 and a half years old? Have you picked up your child from daycare after a 10 hour work day for almost 8 weeks straight now, and he literally cries and fusses the rest of the evening, because you just aren’t understanding what he is trying to “tell” you? I do know that many of you have. And while I am so thankful for his health, and this seems so trivial, I would be lying if I said, “it’s no big deal.” I would be doing my child a disservice if I did any less than exhaust myself to the point of tears everyday trying to help him build language and communication skills that he can use to ease his frustration.
I share this because I know that I am not alone. This baby is a beautiful blessing and I am so thankful, but his struggle is real and it isn’t just going to get better, and it will most likely never be over for this sweet boy. Yes, he will be “fine”, and he WILL learn to talk, but my heart doesn’t break for me as his mother who loves him so, so dearly that I am proud of any and every sound and effort he makes, my heart breaks, because the world won’t love him the way I do and see the positive side. My heart breaks because the progress is so small for so long and then, he makes big gains, but loses large pieces of what he already knew, and he is frustrated even more by that. My heart breaks because to you, he is a sweet, adorable little boy who is just a little behind, but through my eyes, he is MY sweet, adorable, little boy who’s daily struggles I live with him. One of the two greatest gifts I have ever received, and I know what his statistical future holds. I know that there are certain things that are and certain things that don’t have to be, but I also know that I am this baby’s first line of defense against this syndrome, these delays, these struggles, this world…and while I sadly feel like I have abandoned my dedication to anything I held dear before he was born…my career, my interests, my own health, my own emotions…I still feel like I am failing him. I don’t give him enough. He needs more. He does. That isn’t a question. He needs more mommy. And this…this is my true heartache. I love him dearly, but I fail him daily. Just like I love HIM, our Father in Heaven, so, so much, but I fail daily to be what He wants me to be on a regular basis. He gives me so many more chances than I I feel like I deserve! I am truly so thankful.

Sometimes, joy and pain are a simultaneous emotion, and the roller coaster never really stops, and you know you would rather ride the ride with all of the ups and downs and twists and turns, than ever get off anyway, but the effects of it are still apparent. There are thrills and screams around every turn, and it feels like I am literally holding on for dear life most days. And when we do hit a plateau, it’s only long enough to catch our breath for a moment, before the ride is reeling again, thrusting us into more uncertainty and chaos than before. I’m certainly not unhappy. I’m not complaining. I’m not searching for sympathy by any means. Many of you have it much worse than I do. I’m really not searching for anything but understanding, and I’m really even okay without that. When you realize that the things that used to be my focus, or were things I was driven to do/care about, are now at the bottom of my list, to the point that they don’t even matter, it isn’t that I don’t think they are important or worthwhile, it’s just that I am finding that in my life, they have a very insignificant value compared to the daily task of raising my children and dealing with the things you don’t see. We all feel that way as parents, but it is a big step for this mom, this OCD perfectionist, this totally type A personality, to admit that I don’t always do the best I can at everything, actually most, of what I do anymore. Plain and simple. But I always give everything that I possibly have in me to give. Sometimes…often these days…there isn’t much left outside of my home for anything else. Learning that there is a difference between doing “your best” and giving what you feasibly and realistically can ….it’s a lesson I wish it hadn’t taken me 35 years to learn. I am so grateful that God continuously extends me grace, and allowed me to be the mother of 2 amazing kids. It’s my favorite job in the world, and the one that deserves the REAL best of me the most, because I’m the only one they’ve got!

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God is SO Good!

Facebook Status:
 September 13, 2012 ·
“Praise God!!! Praise God!!! Praise God!!! My baby is out of surgery and in the CVICU! The surgeon said that everything went well and that there is still a small leak in one of the patches but it should correct itself. They patched the hole in the ventricle and found another one in the atrium and sewed it up too!! They also patched the pulmonary valve and even gave us the leftover gortex they used for Brody’s scrapbook;) When he is stable, we will get to see him for about 10 minutes at a time the next few hours!!! Thank you again and again for all of your prayers!! God is so good!!!”

That was 2 years ago TODAY!

I still weep when I think about this moment, and some of the tears are still pain from my desire for Brody to not have ever had to experience any of this, but the majority of the emotion I feel today comes from the overwhelming joy I feel for this amazing little boy’s life.

I will always be thankful for the doctors who performed this life saving surgery on my baby. I am eternally thankful for you all, whether you sat with us through the surgery, came to visit, called, sent gifts, messages, love, prayers…prayers. I often wonder if this hadn’t happened, would I have ever TRULY understood the power prayer can have. Would I have ever actually FELT how the prayers of SO MANY others affected me and my family? I am so blessed that THIS is my life. I am so thankful that I was given this beautiful little soul, who has taught me more about life, love, prayer, and what trusting God is really like, than I had ever experienced before I held him in my arms.

I will never be perfect, but I have learned so much the past 2 years about SO MANY THINGS. My heart is still being chiseled to what will hopefully be a much better version of what it is today (which is much better than it was before;), and I still get angry, sad, frustrated often, when I shouldn’t. I am still learning to find JOY in every moment. It is easy to find the joy in this little boy’s life, and his precious brother’s life, but the everyday things that irritate me are a little harder. Sadly, those are things that really don’t matter at all. But what a selfish attitude to have. God is good, every moment…it is me who fails to see and acknowledge the good in the little stresses of life. But I am still learning so much from the pain and joy of the past few years.

TRUST GOD FOR EVERYTHING!
PRAISE GOD FOR EVERY MOMENT!
Never fail to acknowledge that HE is in control and HE knows so, SO much better than you (I) do.
PRAY!
READ YOUR BIBLE!
LOVE! By all means, love. Love God, love your family, love those you don’t even know. But when God says love, He doesn’t mean just sit in your home and think, “I love people” He means for us to show it, and to honor Him through it. For those of you who find this super hard to constantly do…you are not alone.
But we have to get there, we have to love, and maybe it just starts with being kind or truly praying for someone else on a regular basis. But…we have to get there.
We will NEVER be perfect while we are on this earth, but we have to constantly be trying to honor God in every moment.

You all know that I could go ON AND ON AND ON AND…but…what I have really learned more than anything, it is that I need to love more, the way Christ loves me. The way you all LOVED me and my family enough to pray so diligently and offer so much of yourselves over the last 2 years. The way God loves my child even more than I could ever imagine, and the GOOD that He wants to come from this beautiful little life that He gave me to raise and care for.

I didn’t realize how fortunate I was when I married my husband, and the amazing children that God would trust to our lives. It baffles me at times to think about how fortunate we are.

PRAISE GOD. TRUST GOD. LOVE GOD. LOVE OTHERS. There is so much bad in the world, we MUST be the good…the good that shows the world how GOOD our GOD is!  (Yes, I know I have a lot of work to do still!) And so many of you have lived that “good” in your love for my little boy and our family!

How blessed I am to also have been given such beautiful, daily reminders of how great our God is…

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I love you, but please forgive me…

Dear friends and family,
My husband is a police officer. An honest one. A good guy. Someone who would NEVER, EVER do anything to harm someone intentionally, and frankly would give his life to save another. He goes to work with a bullet-proof vest and a gun on, not because he is a bad guy, but because he might meet one. He doesn’t know most of the people he encounters and has no idea whether they are “good” or “bad” and many times has to make very fast decisions about how dangerous a situation might be. He isn’t perfect, but he is a good person and wants to do what is right.

I hate his job. I hate that it takes him away from our children with its crazy hours and 6 months out of the year when he is on nights. I hate that it makes him cranky at me sometimes, because of the ridiculousness and craziness he had to deal with that day. I hated it when a police officer came to my house in the middle of the night and woke me up ringing the door bell over and over, and beating on the door because my husband had been injured and was at the ER. I hate it that he has had to have knee surgery twice because of being injured at work. I hate it that people call him while at work and make him go to places where other people are doing drugs and causing a scene, drinking and driving, fighting, threatening to kill people, beating each other, stealing, and so many other things that make his job a necessity. I hate so many things about his job, but I love him for doing it.

He is just a “normal” cop with no agenda on the job, and he leaves 2 amazing kids every day and goes to work to deal with other people’s woes. He leaves with a small chance, yet SO MUCH bigger than yours or mine, that he might not make it home that day, because of a “normal” day at work.

So, family and friends, I am sure that you don’t care how I feel about this, but I am going to tell you anyway that I love you. I do. When you say awful, AWFUL things about ALL police officers when you are disgusted with an EXTREMELY small fraction of officers who make bad choices, or when you are angry about being pulled over, or whatever your personal complaint with the police might be…I love you. I love you so much, but honestly, it makes me so mad at you sometimes. It makes me mad that you only care about how his job affects YOU. It makes me mad that you are more concerned about bashing cops than considering how your vile and hateful comments might affect a completely innocent officer with a family who loves him very, very much. And by affect, I don’t mean his/our feelings. I mean how you or others actually treat police officers as a result, in the current disrespectful culture we live in.

People wonder why cops are so much more likely to quickly “neutralize” a threat these days. It isn’t because they all just want to shoot people and get away with it, or because they are all “arrogant *********”. (I am so sad to constantly hear ignorance like this) I believe the reason is because the threat is more likely to do harm to the cop, and the public, than ever before. We live in a world of sparse consequences and plenty of blame for authority while few repercussions are actually levied against the real offenders. We live in a world where the media reports are 95% negative about the police and 5% positive (Those aren’t actual statistics, but you get the idea:)

The point I am trying to make is, there is a time and a place for criticism of the police. I have even done it on many occasions, and completely support it when it is deserved. But to simply hate the police and incite anger and more hatred toward them because you want what you are saying to be true in order to fit your police hating agenda somehow, or because you would rather it be true because you have never like police anyway, well, THAT makes me angry. And there are many of you on my friend list:(

So, please forgive me for thinking that you are selfish and immature when you go on rants about the police without having a clue what actually happened, or because you got a ticket and the officer was a jerk. And please forgive me when I want to kick you in the shins (I won’t, but I want to!;) for saying things about “all cops” that not only demean my husbands character as a police officer, but frankly as a person as well. And please, please forgive me when I want to scream and shout that YOU HAVE NO CLUE what the police actually do or deal with on a regular basis (Yes, even in Russellville, Arkansas, so I can’t even imagine what it must be like in a big city).

Please forgive me, because I love you so much but I get upset with you when you are so unnecessarily mean, because I am a mother who sees the father of her precious children leave for a job that I hate, and I know that he will probably be absolutely fine, but what if he isn’t? How will I tell my children? How will I raise them? Would they remember him? Would they know how much he loved them? It seems dramatic, but I bet that every police officer’s family has had those thoughts…if only just once. I am also a wife who each day sees her husband put on a vest that may (or may not) save his life one day. He is my person, and I need him. I am in love with him. I want him to always come home to me. I am human, and I get mad when you bad mouth people you have never met, because you “hate ********* cops”. I get angry when you make MY husband’s job harder by promoting anti-police rhetoric, because it makes you feel satisfied or smart to do so. I don’t like getting mad at you and I definitely need to work on that, I get it, but I also need your forgiveness for feeling this way toward you, because it is real and sometimes it is raw.

By no means am I saying that the police shouldn’t be held accountable for their actions. There are some people that shouldn’t even be cops. There are police officers all over this country that do have their own agendas and even many who break the law themselves. There are bad police officers. There are bad traffic stops, bad decisions, bad choices, bad judgement calls made every day. And when it is intentional or careless, I have a SERIOUS issue with it. But understand first, that cops are human, too…just like you. And I don’t care whether you believe it or not, MOST cops aren’t bad. If you can’t see past yourself enough to acknowledge that, then I am sorry that you are so intent on being wrong. But please, quit lumping my husband in by default, with all of your rants about how “all cops are ********” or “cops are just on an ego trip” or any number of things that you say to sound like you have it all figured out.

I love you. I love you so much. Sometimes I just wish you didn’t say things that were so hurtful to my family. That’s all. I love you and I pray that you forgive me for being mad at you when you say stupid things. Yes. Stupid. I say stupid things too, some of which were probably in this post, but thankfully, there is enough grace to go around for all of us.

Attacking and promoting hate, and sometimes even violence (I read it all of the time!) against an entire group of people (in this case police officers), because of the actions of a few, or because of the misinformation given about those actions that caused you to make a one-sided judgement, is hate. Plain and simple. So, I love you. And I am trying to constantly remember that…

LOVE will always conquer HATE. Love conquers all.


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Blessings Don’t Always Come In Nice Little Boxes…

1-IMG_0840 This is what Brody looked like the first few days after surgery. My sweet boy;)

This blessing you see in this picture is a reminder of why:

  • …I cry about everything these days.  (but it is positive emotion:)
  • …I advocate for my children and their needs.
  • …I want my children to know Jesus.
  • …I pray more deeply and often than I ever have before.
  • …I try not to sweat the small stuff.
  • …I have focused more on family than my personal goals/career the last 2 years.
  • …I try to be more understanding of what others are going through.
  • …I try to remember that we all have different experiences that form who we have become.
  • …I think life is too short to not appreciate each and every breath.
  • …I want to be better than I am today.
  • …I praise God for the good AND the bad, because they both have a purpose towards His will.
  • …I am even more thankful today God sent His son, Jesus, to die for my sins so I could live forever with Him one day.

People always tell me that everything is going to be okay.  They are so thoughtful to do so, but soooo preaching to the choir;)  I have known this from the start.  It isn’t something that I have ever questioned.  I have always known that it was in God’s hands.

That doesn’t mean that I enjoyed going through any of it, or do today, and it doesn’t mean that I don’t wish that Brody had been born with a heart that was “normal” or DNA that was “complete.” I, like all parents, want what is best for my kids.  I want them to have the things in life that give them the best opportunity to be successful and to live a long and healthy life.  The difference in how I felt the day he was born and today is that God has shown me, through this little soul, that my worry is in vain.  My desire for control is only going to obstruct my ability to see the beauty of His handiwork. My anger and frustration will only serve to break me, and those I love, down. My version of “okay” was skewed to my will for our lives. My priorities needed to shift to His desires and not my own.

I am going to be honest…saying I trusted God completely wasn’t hard.  Feeling it, KNOWING He is in control, wasn’t/isn’t the struggle either.  But living it. Living it.  Walking the walk.  It isn’t as easy as talking the talk.

I don’t need to rehash what I went through emotionally and spiritually when I found out how sick Brody was.  I’ll just say that it was brutal.  It was the most intense emotion I have ever experienced and probably ever will again. It was real on your knees, don’t want to get out of bed, why is this happening to my baby, pain.  I know many have been through so much worse, and I even feel guilty to type my experience as if I was somehow brutally attacked, but that is what it felt like.  It felt as if we were being attacked by something beyond our control and our defenses were ill-equipped to fight it. It felt as if my baby, my family, my faith was being attacked by a force that wanted us to fall apart from the inside out.  The good news is…we were never really in any danger.  God had His loving arms wrapped around us the entire time, before we even cried out to Him.  Don’t get me wrong, the dangers of this world were and are ever present, but our hearts, even Brody’s, were never truly in danger of losing faith, of losing His mercy, or of losing His grace.  God doesn’t change.  Sometimes, when our situation changes, we want to blame anything and anyone we can, to make it easier to digest the pain.  Such efforts are truly in vain in the search for comfort and peace.  There is NO peace in this world that will ever surpass the peace that comes from knowing your life is in the hand’s of an Almighty God, Who loves you and wants His will in your life.

So, contrary to what many of you may think that I think about myself;) I am NOT perfect. I’m not even close.  If anything, I am so much more aware of every mistake I make, because I want to be better.  I want to walk the walk.  I want to live the assurance I have of His peace on a momentary basis.  I want to show His love, rather than just speak it.  This is my biggest failure, and I am aware of it. I stay so busy, so tied up with so many things, and not enough of them are directed at advancing His love. I am aware of my weaknesses.  Fully aware.

Like I said, I am human and frankly, most days, I am a mess.  Inwardly, (and probably what you see outwardly!) I imagine myself as that person walking around in their pajamas, no make-up, house shoes still on, hair sticking up every which way, and one eye closed just waiting on the coffee to kick in.  That is me.  My every moment.  I am still waking up, but I am waking up to a much different view than I did 2 years ago.  I wake up with a much different perspective. I wake up renewed and so very aware of and thankful for, His mercies.

I have no idea what the future holds.  I can’t even say for certain what my family is eating for dinner tonight!  However, I do know that whatever the world lays at our feet, whatever the devil leaves at our door, whatever negative or evil tries to invade our lives and our happiness, it will NEVER win.  It will never overcome us.  It will never defeat us. God is bigger than any problem, any heartache, and any evil that may come our way.  He IS the way.

Do I like looking at these pictures. Not really.  Am I glad that Brody had/has to go through any of this.  Not at all.  But I understand that the world can be cruel, and life isn’t really much like a “box of chocolates” at all.  It’s a tough gig, and it’s fraught with failure, pain, and disappointment. But we have to STOP looking at this life as if everything negative that happens is a reason to complain, blame someone else for and demand they remedy our disappointments, or to give up and “throw in the towel”!  We have to choose to be happy, to find joy in the pain…to praise Him in the storm.  It really is an easy choice to make. But as I said before, the walk is a lot harder than the words.  Not because I don’t want to be happy, but because Life. Is. Hard. BUT…

GOD. IS. BIGGER.

So, what’s my point in any of this?  It’s just me rambling like I always do for the most part.  But these pictures give me perspective, and maybe sharing them will give someone else that might need it, some too:) I wasn’t even going to take them, but my dad (of all people!) encouraged me to do so and even left a camera with me at the hospital when he left after Brody’s surgery.  I am so thankful now that I did take them, not because I want to look at them, but because they remind me that my blessings are in EVERY breath I take, and every moment I live, not just in the ones that I think I need, or the ones I enjoy.  Blessings aren’t just the big, wonderful moments in our lives, they are in our EVERY moment. Even just in these pictures, I could write a book of the blessings we have received.  They weren’t all pretty at the time, but they were…and still are…beautifully orchestrated by a loving God, who loves us, and has never, EVER forsaken us.

Praise God from whom ALL blessings flow!

 

“But blessed is the one who trusts in the Lord,
    whose confidence is in him.
8 They will be like a tree planted by the water
    that sends out its roots by the stream.
It does not fear when heat comes;
    its leaves are always green.
It has no worries in a year of drought
    and never fails to bear fruit.”          – Jeremiah 17:7-8

 

Taste and see that the LORD is good; blessed is the one who takes refuge in him.     -Psalm 34:8

 

And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.      -Romans 8:28

1-IMG_0841 This is what we saw when we first went back after his surgery and for the next 4 days. I am so thankful for the technology, doctors, and nurses, that fixed and took care of our precious boy during such an overwhelming time.
1-IMG_0844 This was the 2nd day. He hadn’t really started swelling in this picture. He was puffed up like a marshmallow the few days after this! I didn’t add those pics:) I will be honest, MANY moments were very scary, and everything didn’t go the way it was supposed to, but God provided…in His time, EVERY time.
1-IMG_6202 This wast the first day that he opened his eyes! It was one of the best moments of my life, and one of the few pictures I have shared before. I remember in this moment feeling such a wave of peace and joy. We cried and cried. It was beautiful. I still get that same emotion every time I look at this picture.
1-IMG_0766 This was the day before we went home. He looked so small in that bed. His chest looked so painful, but he smiled so much. It was a good day:)
IMG_0849 Going home…there really isn’t much more to say about this picture!

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And today! God is so GOOD!

 

 

 


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We Cut Our Hair When We WANT To

When people tell me that Brody needs a haircut (frequently this happens, and often they are pretty rude about it), I politely remind them that Brody:

NEEDED open heart surgery. Check.

NEEDED to have surgery to remove an extra finger from his hand. Check.

NEEDED surgery to have tubes put in his ears. Check.

NEEDED to be tested for genetic disorders. Check and DOUBLE check! (Glad we did that even though some people said he didn’t need it!)

NEEDS therapy (7 visits per week…something I also get a lot of snarky comments about).
Check. Check. Check. Check. Check. Check. Check. Weekly.

Now, back to the haircut that so many well intentioned people that I know, and don’t know, so often tell me that he needs.

When you say something like that to a parent, you are either assuming they are too ignorant to know when their child needs grooming, insinuating that you don’t like their child’s hair and it needs to be redone to suit your taste, or just being too rude or possibly oblivious, to care how your comment lands on the parent you are saying it to.

Frankly, I don’t care what people think about my parenting decisions. Not. At. All. However, there are people who do. There are mothers who are struggling to stay awake through the day. Mothers who barely get a shower each night, barely finish meals, work full time, miss their kids growing up, feel guilty for leaving their child at daycare all day (especially if said child has a disability), are already questioning their parenting choices, and all sorts of other issues that come with being a parent, and your comments might sting. I agree that words shouldn’t hurt someone else because they are after all, just words. However, sometimes they do because that mother may just be trying to survive through each day, and a haircut is the last thing on her mind.  Uh…Check to that last part:)

Me?  I honestly don’t care.  The opinions of others mean very little to me, especially when hair cutting advice is given as if I have been offered parenting gold.  However, I will ask this of you…

It may seem like a big deal to you to cut a kid’s hair.  It may be something you did/do for your kids.

THAT. IS. FABULOUS.  And I mean that with all sincerity.  Promise;)  And, hey, the kid might look better after a haircut!

But some of us don’t see a haircut as a NEED.  Some of us are so thankful for the hair on that head and the fact that we don’t have to take our kid to see a specialist to have it examined, tested, or operated on, and cutting it just isn’t what we want to do right now.  We aren’t stupid. We aren’t blind.  We see it getting in their eyes.  That is when we chop it off in a straight line across the bangs while our littles are bathing (creating a very Spock like appearance in our child for a few weeks). And we are cool with that, and it would be much nicer if you were too.  Haircuts simply aren’t a NEED.  They aren’t a health concern .  And the way it looks from my shoes, Brody doesn’t NEED one.  He’ll get one when Lee and I WANT him too;)

Go easy on the moms out there, friends. Especially the new ones!!   You never know what shoes that mom may have put on that day:)  Your comment about their kid’s hair (or any other unnecessary opinion) isn’t a NEED.  Your love and support however, IS:)

This picture is from a few weeks ago. His hair is getting pretty long now.  I love it. Just totally LOVE it! 😉1-SC_0520


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Love is my Grandma

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In 1 Corinthians 13, it says: Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

Love never fails. 

Love is my grandma. She is everything love is described to be. If you asked me at any moment throughout my life, who in this world loves me the most, I would have, and will always answer, “Ma.”  It doesn’t even take a thought for me to confidently shout with assurance that no one on this earth loves me more. She didn’t just say she loved you, she showed it daily, and momentarily. It wasn’t just a warm and fuzzy feeling that you got when you walked in her door or hugged her goodbye, it was who she was all of the time. Her every breath. Her every move.

Love literally dripped off her as if she was so full of it, she couldn’t contain it. It brimmed over the edges of her heart and settled on anyone standing in her presence. Her love was impossible to ignore, even when you didn’t feel worthy or were ashamed of something you had said or done, she would love you into forgiving yourself without you even realizing what was happening.

I realize how incredibly fortunate I am to have known my beautiful grandmother for 35 years. She is an essential part of my life. I think it is extraordinary for a grandparent to be as devoted to her grandchildren as she was, but then, Ma was that exceptional kind of person every single day of her life.

She was truly an incredible matriarch.  Ma took care of everyone, starting with my grandpa.  Not only did she work to keep the front of the store (and the back) running smoothly, she worked to keep my grandpa running smoothly also.  He was a wonderful man and she was a wonderful wife.  She always seemed to know exactly what he was thinking, or what he needed and had it ready before he even realized it himself.  Many summers in high school and throughout my early college years, I worked with them at Berry Drug.  Ma always went for lunch, or often went home and made lunch, and had it warm and ready when we were.  She did this daily for my grandpa.  They had a table in their store where we would sit and eat.  I remember thinking during those times, how fortunate I was to have those moments with them…together. Now, those memories are more precious than gold.  Their love for each other which so easily spilled over to their family. It was one of the most beautiful things I have ever known.

Big Bill had such love for his beautiful wife.  Whether he was sending her a dozen red roses, asking her if she made enough money to pay the bills when she came home from playing bridge on Tuesdays, or singing Miss America when she walked in from the beauty shop, they had such a charming relationship and I cherish my memories of the way they were…together and with us.

Ma was also a wonderful mother.  I loved to hear her tell stories about how she cared for my dad and uncles when they were young. She would describe her memories with such detail and in such a loving way, that you felt as though you had lived it too.  I always loved when a story started with, “Your daddy…when your Uncle Bruce was little…or one time Timmy…” It was obvious how much she treasured being their mother and she loved to talk about her boys. They in turn, love her equally as much.

I often wonder, after raising 3 boys and now having two boys of my own who are even still very young, how Ma had any patience left by the time we grandkids came along. I often told her how much I admired the way she had raised her boys and us and how selfless she was about it.  She always told me, “Honey…it was and is my pleasure.  You don’t know how happy you all make me.”  And she never wavered.  In fact, I can say without a doubt that she is the most patient person I have ever known.  I don’t remember her ever raising her voice at me, or saying anything towards me out of frustration other than one time when I was 7.  I remember it like it was yesterday.  I climbed up on the counter to get a plate out of the cabinet.  I knew I wasn’t supposed to, but what’s a 7 year old to do?  Then, just as I grabbed the plate, I dropped it and it crashed to the ground and broke.  She walked back into the room and shouted, “Anne!  Get down off of that counter.”  At first, I was hurt that she had raised her voice at me, but it was that moment where I learned that a scared mother means business when it comes to the health and safety of the children she loves.  I started crying and she immediately sat me down and explained that she was scared that I was hurt and that was why she had reacted that way.  She explained this with the kindest and most gentle voice in the world and I knew that she meant it.  As a mother now myself, this memory means even more.  She taught me so many things about how to love and what a real mother looks and feels like. I only hope that I can be even a sliver of the mother to my boys that she has been to me.  If I could accomplish that, loving them even a fraction of how much she loved us, my boys would be the most loved boys in the world by far.

If you know Ma, you know that she never did anything half-way.  I dare say that she didn’t even do anything the “right” way.  She did everything the Ma way.  And the Ma way was always the best way.  Regardless of what she decided to do, it was done perfectly and with elegance and grace.  My grandma was such an elegant woman.  Not pretentious, not boastful, no, there is not an arrogant bone in her body.  She was naturally elegant in everything she did and it was beautiful.  She is beautiful.  Beautiful on the inside and out.  Like in being a wife, mother, and grandmother, she gave everything she did, everything she had. She was so strong and so self-less that anything her family needed, she worked her hardest to oblige.  She never let us down, and never even once let us feel unloved.  Love never fails…and she certainly never failed us.

You could hand me the longest book in the world with the writing deleted from the pages to leave them blank, and I could fill every page with a separate example of her patience, her kindness, her self-lessness, her gentleness…with her love.  And even with all of those pages, I would need another blank copy to even make a dent in sharing all of the wonderful things this amazing woman did, and that is just in my lifetime. I could literally go on and on, and I want to, but I won’t.

I will say this…I am so selfish.  I so badly wanted to keep her here with us longer.  I needed more time with her.  I wanted my kids to get to know her the way I did.  I wanted them to see and feel how much she loved them.  In their short time with her, they already have.  Aidan, my 6 year old, loved spending time with Ma, especially when I wasn’t there.  He felt a little extra special during those times and I am positive that she treated him like a king. And my 1 year old, Brody, literally ran to her as soon as I put him down inside her door way.  Then he would get up in the chair with her and she would treat him as if he were the most important person in the world.

I will always long for these moments. They are some of most cherished moments I will ever have.

I can’t tell you how empty part of my heart feels today.  I ache for her hug, to hear her sing to me, for her to listen to me talk about things on my mind or heart, to hear her talk about the things she was thinking about, to take her Christmas shopping and cook Thanksgiving dinner with her, just one more time.  I want to walk in her door and see her turn around in her chair and give me that look like I was the best thing that had happened to her all day.  That was the look she gave everyone in her family and we will all forever remember cherish that feeling.

A few weeks ago, on the way back from visiting her at Danville Hospital, the boys and I stopped by the cemetery to see Big Bill before we went home.  Aidan and I stood there talking about Big Bill and Aidan assured me in his very child-like yet very wise way that Big Bill wasn’t really there at the cemetery. He was in Heaven with Jesus.  Then he said to me, “Mom, I know that when Ma gets to Heaven, she is going to be so happy to see Big Bill and Jesus.” And I know he is right.  I am most certain that there was rejoicing in Heaven the moment she arrived, and I can see Big Bill beaming at her and her back at him.  I hope that when my time here is almost done, my children can say even a fraction of the things about me that I have shared with you about my grandmother, even being a sliver of who she is, is more love than most will share or receive in a lifetime. And I am positive that one dayAidan is going to look at his brother and say, “I know mom sure is going to be happy when she gets to Heaven and sees Big Bill, and Ma, and Jesus.”

 


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Boston Marathon, Take 2 (2014) RUN WILL RUN

Last Tuesday, I posted a video of Will coming to talk to our 1st grade about setting goals, effort, determination, perseverance, etc. I have been doing a “unit” themed around these words/ideas, and he came and talked to our kids the day before their ITBS testing. They loved it. My kids worked harder and were more on task during testing than close to any other class I have ever had (seriously). Every student was serious about doing their best and they have even started correcting me when I say do your best. Me: “just do your best.” Them: “Don’t you mean, give it your best effort?” I have loved seeing my students so engaged and excited about learning. So, we decided to make Mr. Will a video to, hopefully, help inspire and encourage him the way that he helped to inspire and encourage us! I love my students. I love watching my students be so excited about learning. I love watching my students achieve their goals. I love my brother. I love watching my brother run. I love watching my brother achieve his goals. This video is those things put together. I love this video.