July | 2014 | The View From My Shoes

This blessing you see in this picture is a reminder of why:

…I cry about everything these days. (but it is positive emotion:)
…I advocate for my children and their needs.
…I want my children to know Jesus.
…I pray more deeply and often than I ever have before.
…I try not to sweat the small stuff.
…I have focused more on family than my personal goals/career the last 2 years.
…I try to be more understanding of what others are going through.
…I try to remember that we all have different experiences that form who we have become.
…I think life is too short to not appreciate each and every breath.
…I want to be better than I am today.
…I praise God for the good AND the bad, because they both have a purpose towards His will.
…I am even more thankful today God sent His son, Jesus, to die for my sins so I could live forever with Him one day.

People always tell me that everything is going to be okay. They are so thoughtful to do so, but soooo preaching to the choir;) I have known this from the start. It isn’t something that I have ever questioned. I have always known that it was in God’s hands.

That doesn’t mean that I enjoyed going through any of it, or do today, and it doesn’t mean that I don’t wish that Brody had been born with a heart that was “normal” or DNA that was “complete.” I, like all parents, want what is best for my kids. I want them to have the things in life that give them the best opportunity to be successful and to live a long and healthy life. The difference in how I felt the day he was born and today is that God has shown me, through this little soul, that my worry is in vain. My desire for control is only going to obstruct my ability to see the beauty of His handiwork. My anger and frustration will only serve to break me, and those I love, down. My version of “okay” was skewed to my will for our lives. My priorities needed to shift to His desires and not my own.

I am going to be honest…saying I trusted God completely wasn’t hard. Feeling it, KNOWING He is in control, wasn’t/isn’t the struggle either. But living it. Living it. Walking the walk. It isn’t as easy as talking the talk.

I don’t need to rehash what I went through emotionally and spiritually when I found out how sick Brody was. I’ll just say that it was brutal. It was the most intense emotion I have ever experienced and probably ever will again. It was real on your knees, don’t want to get out of bed, why is this happening to my baby, pain. I know many have been through so much worse, and I even feel guilty to type my experience as if I was somehow brutally attacked, but that is what it felt like. It felt as if we were being attacked by something beyond our control and our defenses were ill-equipped to fight it. It felt as if my baby, my family, my faith was being attacked by a force that wanted us to fall apart from the inside out. The good news is…we were never really in any danger. God had His loving arms wrapped around us the entire time, before we even cried out to Him. Don’t get me wrong, the dangers of this world were and are ever present, but our hearts, even Brody’s, were never truly in danger of losing faith, of losing His mercy, or of losing His grace. God doesn’t change. Sometimes, when our situation changes, we want to blame anything and anyone we can, to make it easier to digest the pain. Such efforts are truly in vain in the search for comfort and peace. There is NO peace in this world that will ever surpass the peace that comes from knowing your life is in the hand’s of an Almighty God, Who loves you and wants His will in your life.

So, contrary to what many of you may think that I think about myself;) I am NOT perfect. I’m not even close. If anything, I am so much more aware of every mistake I make, because I want to be better. I want to walk the walk. I want to live the assurance I have of His peace on a momentary basis. I want to show His love, rather than just speak it. This is my biggest failure, and I am aware of it. I stay so busy, so tied up with so many things, and not enough of them are directed at advancing His love. I am aware of my weaknesses. Fully aware.

Like I said, I am human and frankly, most days, I am a mess. Inwardly, (and probably what you see outwardly!) I imagine myself as that person walking around in their pajamas, no make-up, house shoes still on, hair sticking up every which way, and one eye closed just waiting on the coffee to kick in. That is me. My every moment. I am still waking up, but I am waking up to a much different view than I did 2 years ago. I wake up with a much different perspective. I wake up renewed and so very aware of and thankful for, His mercies.

I have no idea what the future holds. I can’t even say for certain what my family is eating for dinner tonight! However, I do know that whatever the world lays at our feet, whatever the devil leaves at our door, whatever negative or evil tries to invade our lives and our happiness, it will NEVER win. It will never overcome us. It will never defeat us. God is bigger than any problem, any heartache, and any evil that may come our way. He IS the way.

Do I like looking at these pictures. Not really. Am I glad that Brody had/has to go through any of this. Not at all. But I understand that the world can be cruel, and life isn’t really much like a “box of chocolates” at all. It’s a tough gig, and it’s fraught with failure, pain, and disappointment. But we have to STOP looking at this life as if everything negative that happens is a reason to complain, blame someone else for and demand they remedy our disappointments, or to give up and “throw in the towel”! We have to choose to be happy, to find joy in the pain…to praise Him in the storm. It really is an easy choice to make. But as I said before, the walk is a lot harder than the words. Not because I don’t want to be happy, but because Life. Is. Hard. BUT…

GOD. IS. BIGGER.

So, what’s my point in any of this? It’s just me rambling like I always do for the most part. But these pictures give me perspective, and maybe sharing them will give someone else that might need it, some too:) I wasn’t even going to take them, but my dad (of all people!) encouraged me to do so and even left a camera with me at the hospital when he left after Brody’s surgery. I am so thankful now that I did take them, not because I want to look at them, but because they remind me that my blessings are in EVERY breath I take, and every moment I live, not just in the ones that I think I need, or the ones I enjoy. Blessings aren’t just the big, wonderful moments in our lives, they are in our EVERY moment. Even just in these pictures, I could write a book of the blessings we have received. They weren’t all pretty at the time, but they were…and still are…beautifully orchestrated by a loving God, who loves us, and has never, EVER forsaken us.

Praise God from whom ALL blessings flow!

“But blessed is the one who trusts in the Lord,
    whose confidence is in him.
8 They will be like a tree planted by the water
    that sends out its roots by the stream.
It does not fear when heat comes;
    its leaves are always green.
It has no worries in a year of drought
    and never fails to bear fruit.”     – Jeremiah 17:7-8